Why Is He Pulling Away? Learn the 4 Relationship Killers

Written By Phoenix Coaching

And How to Repair Your Relationship…before it’s too late!

couple where the woman is always caring too much and feels exhausted

Becoming Badass Podcast Ep #35

If you ever wanted a crystal ball that tells you how your how your relationship is going…well here it is!

Lets talk about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Relationships — And How to Stop Them before it’s too late!

You’ve probably heard the phrase “It’s not what you fight about, it’s how you fight.”
That couldn’t be more true — and Dr. John Gottman, one of the most well-respected relationship researchers in the world, has proven it through decades of studying couples.

Gottman identified four toxic communication patterns so predictive of relationship breakdown that he calls them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

The good news? Once you can recognize them, you can change them — and protect your connection before it’s too late.

👉 Watch my full video on The Four Horsemen here

Horseman #1: Criticism

Criticism goes beyond expressing a concern about a specific behavior. It attacks your partner’s character.
Instead of saying:

“I’m upset that you didn’t do the dishes.”
Criticism sounds like:
“You never help around the house. You’re so lazy.”

Why it’s harmful: Criticism makes your partner feel attacked and defensive, which shuts down productive conversation.

Healthy alternative: Use a gentle start-up. Share how you feel and what you need, without attacking their character.
Example:

“I feel overwhelmed when the dishes pile up. Could we agree to clean up together after dinner?”

Horseman #2: Contempt

Contempt is the most dangerous of the four. It’s fueled by long-standing resentment and shows up as sarcasm, mocking, eye-rolling, or name-calling.
Example:

“Oh, you think you’re so smart, don’t you?”

Why it’s harmful: Contempt communicates superiority, and research shows it erodes love faster than almost anything else.

Healthy alternative: Build a culture of appreciation. Focus on what you value in your partner, even during conflict.
Example:

“I appreciate how hard you work for our family, and I’d love if we could talk about how to divide household tasks.”

Horseman #3: Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a way of shifting blame or playing the victim instead of listening.
Example:

“It’s not my fault dinner’s late — you didn’t even help!”

Why it’s harmful: It blocks your ability to hear your partner’s perspective, leaving both of you feeling unheard.

Healthy alternative: Take responsibility for your part, even if it’s small.
Example:

“You’re right, I should’ve let you know I was running behind.”

Horseman #4: Stonewalling

Stonewalling happens when one partner shuts down, withdraws, or avoids the conversation entirely.
Example:

Refusing to respond, changing the subject, or walking away without explanation.

Why it’s harmful: It leaves conflicts unresolved and makes your partner feel abandoned in the middle of a discussion.

Healthy alternative: Practice self-soothing. If you feel flooded, ask for a short break and agree on a time to revisit the conversation.
Example:

“I need 15 minutes to calm down, and then we can keep talking.”

Why This Matters

Gottman’s research shows that couples who regularly engage in these patterns — without replacing them with healthier habits — are far more likely to break up.CBut when you can spot the horsemen in your own communication and swap them for connection-building habits, you turn conflict into an opportunity for deeper understanding.

💡 Your Next Step
If you recognize any of these patterns in your relationship, don’t panic. This is your invitation to shift toward healthy communication and emotional safety.

Related Episodes

If you’ve ever felt like you’re “too much” or “not enough” at the same time…
If you’re tired of overgiving and still not getting your needs met…
If you want a relationship where you don’t have to earn love—you just get to be loved…

Then this episode is your starting point.

🎧 Tap to listen now:
👉 3 Sneaky Signs You’re Doing Too Much in Your Relationship

✨ And if it hits home? Share it with a friend, or drop me a DM. I love hearing what lands and tag me on IG @phoenix___coaching, Id love to hear your biggest takeaway.

Bonus: Take The Mind-Blowing Love Quiz

✨ Take the free 60-second quiz:  Mind-Blowing Love Quiz.
Discover the blocks you have that are preventing REAL LOVE — and how to shift it.

🎯 Bonus: After the quiz, you’ll get personalized insight and a free training to help you attract the emotionally available, soul-connected relationship you actually want.

If you’re tired of wondering whether he’s genuine or just saying the right things, grab my free guide:
👉 Is He Emotionally Available—Or Just Saying the Right Things?

You’ll learn how to spot red flags before you get attached or waste any more of your precious time on the WRONG man!

💖 Subscribe to the podcast for more weekly soul-nourishing relationship truths on youtube.

PRIVATE COACHING:  

You deserve love that feels:

  • Safe and secure, not lonely or hot and cold

  • Steady, not like you’re always chasing

  • Soul-deep, not one-sided

    For Women:  Real love doesnt keep you guessing or confused. Ready to feel safe, seen, and secure in love?  Chat with me here: https://sabrinaphoenixcoaching.com/coach1-1

For Men: You Don’t Have to Keep Carrying It Alone. Reconnect with your emotions, repair what’s broken, and lead from grounded strength. Chat with me here:  https://sabrinaphoenixcoaching.com/coach1-2


FREE RESOURCES:  

What’s your Love Blueprint? Take the quiz here!

GO FROM CONFLICT TO CALM IN YOUR LOVE LIFE! Break the cycle of anxious overthinking and second-guessing—learn how to feel safe, grounded, and confident in love -without losing yourself- https://phoenixcoaching.ck.page


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Phoenix Coaching

https://SabrinaPhoenixCoaching.com
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